Be Like That
by Matsuri1
Summary: Behind an uncaring mask, Heero is quite capable of holding in his emotions. This; however, doesn't keep him from thinking. Between talking with Duo and Relena, he's left wondering what he really wants from life. 1+2 and 1+R...


Be Like That   
  
Alright… It's been awhile since I posted anything, but then again… I have three chaptered stories that I have to finish first. This fic's been stuck in my head since the first time I heard the song "Be Like That" by 3 Door Down. Start to finish, this one took me three hours, and I'm not entirely sure what I wrote.   
WARNING: Yes, there are slight yaoi implications, but it's never really stated if they are returned. On the other   
hand, there is a little sympathy towards Relena… something I've never dared to write before. If you don't like either, don't read it… Oh, and mild language. It's Heero's pov, so it could be considered a little ooc… but maybe not, because we can never be sure what people are actually thinking… just so you know.  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not the series, characters, or song… and I am not making a profit, so please don't sue. (AND on that note, I am using the radio version of the song, not the one off the cd... I understand there is more than 1, but thank you for that note.)  
  
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I sit here, in this lousy, god-forsaken hotel room, in front of my laptop. It seems that anytime I'm troubled I find myself here, besides for the obvious work reasons. But contrary to popular belief, half of the time I'm not really working. It's just another way to get out of it all, like everything else.  
Resting my hands for a short time, I turn around to watch my only companion. He'd fallen asleep hours ago, tired of watching me without response. I did notice, though… Gods… he's so beautiful, so sweet an innocent. I can't believe he got caught up in this war. It'll mean the end of him, I'm sure… at least emotionally. A damn shame really… but why do I care? I shouldn't because I am a soldier, and soldiers have no need for emotion. It is a sign of weakness… or so I've been told. Then again, people who actually feel told me that, and they have no idea what it means not to. Though I find now that I'm only searching for a valid reason to disobey orders and, for once, do what I feel is right.  
Just then, a reflection of the dim light caught my attention. I'd always been trained to notice the details, I guess. The gently gleam of moonlight danced across my companions deep, violet eyes. They seemed more secretive, thoughtful, and maybe even pained than usual. I realize now he'd watched me the entire time. Our eyes lock, and I fear my mask will fall out of place any moment, but his voice, soft and soothing, floats to me in the silence.  
"What are you thinking about, Heero?"  
"Go back to sleep," I growl, though it wasn't meant so harshly.  
"I can't…" he whispers, rolling onto his back and waiting for me to question him. When I didn't he continued anyway, as if he desperately needed someone to simply listen.  
  
He spent his whole life being to young  
To live the life that's in his dreams  
Then he lies awake and he wonders  
Why can't that be me?  
Cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions  
He's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention, right now  
But just before he says goodnight  
He looks up with a little smile at me and he says  
  
"I've just been thinking… ya know? Why can't I be like that… Why do I have to fight this fucking war?"  
Silence followed, and I'm sure the boy thought I'd been paying him absolutely no attention, until I replied, "Like what?"  
"Why can't I live a normal life? Friends, family, home… love… I've always meant well, haven't I? Then why am I stuck here fighting a loosing battle… Why am I stuck here in a crappy hotel room with you?"  
I'm sure Duo didn't realize it, seeing as it seems he's talking more to himself than anyone else, but his words really stung… 'stuck here with you.' I doubt he intended to be cruel, not my Duo, but he's entirely right. He deserves so much more. With a tired sigh, I closed my laptop and sat down on the edge of my bed, giving the boy my full attention.  
"Life's unfair…" I reply frankly, scanning his angelic face.  
"I… I didn't mean…" he stammers, shutting his eyes tightly.  
"I know."  
He smiles at me, despite the tears blazing a trail down his cheeks, "I would give anything… If only I could live a normal life for one day…"  
  
If I could be like that  
I would give anything  
Just to live one day  
In those shoes  
If I could be like that, what would I do?  
What would I do?  
  
"I know…"  
I know what it's like to want something you can't have. Soldiers do not feel, and soldiers do not wish. Whether or not I like it, I will not fail my mission, and so I turn away from the braided pilot, slipping into my bed. Duo rolled onto his other side, seeming to finally stumble into sleep.  
"Goodnight, Heero… At least we'll have our dreams to escape to," he breaks the silence, his words cutting through the darkness, maybe in more than just the room. I didn't reply, but I lay there, staring at the ceiling for hours, contemplating what he had said.  
  
Now in dreams we run  
  
Sometimes, even the emotionless can no longer take the stress, and sometimes, even a soldier like me needs to get away. I can't explain why… it's just a natural response I suppose. It was one such day I found myself walking through a city park. Parks are, after all, rather strange places where all types can go to interact or get away from others and society, most often. Strange, I find myself so much more open and expressive than I'm supposed to be, in my mind anyway. On this particular day, I find myself more lost in thought than enjoying the surroundings.  
"Heero?"  
I turn at the sound of my name, and ultimately find I wish I hadn't. Who else would I find than the one and only ruler of pacifism, Relena Peacecraft…Hn, such childish ideals are not worth even the slightest consideration, for I've found human existence leads solely to conflict and war… nothing else. But that is off the subject.  
"Heero, do come and sit with me for awhile?" she ask sweetly.  
I have no time for such nonsense, but find I've walked over anyway, standing at the edge of the bench.  
"What is it, Relena," I demand, never once caring to watch my tone of voice.  
"I'd just like to sit and talk… Is that so much to ask?"  
Of course it is, I snap mentally, but hold back the retort.  
"All these people seem to go through their day without a single reflection… I doubt they understand how lucky they truly are," the girl continues softly, looking up at me.  
I realize now why I came over… Why time after time I've failed to carry out my threats against her life… It's that look. She has the same look in her eyes as Duo, the night we sat in the run down hotel… the look of a dreamer.  
  
She spends her days up in the North Park  
Watching the people as they pass  
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream  
Is that too much to ask? With a safe home, and a warm bed on a quiet little street  
All she wants is just that something to hold on to  
That's all she needs, yeah  
  
"What do you want, Relena?" I ask again, more gently this time.  
"Everyone wants something, it's what they need that's really important…" she replies, looking back down toward the ground, "What I need is a life away from wealth and privilege… where I'm free to do and say what I like…"  
"Then just go."  
"It's not that simple… I guess it's just a dream… a small place of my own, on a quiet back street… just an average life where I have even a shred of privacy."  
Relena didn't seem to know I was even there anymore… But that look in her eyes, on of longing. She wanted something stable… and that life, it was all too obvious she saw me in it. That; however, is impossible. I am too tainted even for another Gundam pilot, my hands too stained with blood… She needs someone who can really be there for her…  
"Forget it, Relena… some things just can't happen, and nothing comes easily," I snapped, turning and walking away.  
"Heero? Heero, where are you going?"  
I didn't reply, and didn't need to. I would be not help to her… and she could never understand how I feel… uh, think…  
  
If I could be like that  
I would give anything  
Just to live one day  
In those shoes  
If I could be like that, what would I do?  
What would I do?  
  
She made no attempt to follow. Stepping out onto the bustling streets, this world never seemed more cold or uninviting. No one gets what they want, not anymore. Duo's words rang in my mind as if it was entirely empty.  
"At least we'll have our dreams to escape to…"  
  
I'm falling into this, in dreams we run away  
  
Slowly, almost cautiously… as if it could alter my entire reality, I opened the safehouse door. I knew emptiness was the only thing awaiting me, but thoughts come with such a thing… and then feelings… and those could shatter the world I've been, and have kept myself, locked inside. I sink down onto a couch, staring at the laptop in front of me, but not actually looking at it. Funny, all Duo wanted was a normal life… and yet war is normal for him. What he has is all he'd ever known… and so, I do not understand his definition of "normal." It is simply a theory, like pacifism is… an ideal that neither he nor any other truly understands, yet he searches for it through everything. How I wish I had something to look for…  
  
If I could be like that  
I would give anything  
Just to live one day  
In those shoes  
If I could be like that, what would I do?  
What would I do?  
  
And Relena… she's the same way, and thus has that same lost look. True, she was first the daughter of the Vice-foreign Minister, and then secondly the symbol of pacifism and Queen of the World… but neither meant anything to her. She longs for an entirely different life, which she considers normal. But here again, the ideal of normal comes into question. Where Duo seeks family, friendship, and love… she is looking for solitude and love. Both are entirely opposite, yet are considered "normal" by them. How is that possible? However, they have love in common… and maybe that is what is "normal" and not everything else. Why do they both expect such a huge, important emotion from a soldier? Let alone one like me…  
  
If I could be like that  
I would give anything  
Just to live one day  
In those shoes  
If I could be like that, what would I do?  
What would I do?  
  
I had work to do, and was finding that I was drowsy. Brining my mind back from such deep reflection, which was unlike the 'Perfect Soldier,' I walked to the bathroom. Letting a small stream of water run from the facet, I watched it with feigned curiosity. Splashing the warm liquid on my face, I turned the facet off and grabbed a towel. Oddly, standing in that confined, dimly lit room, my reflection looking back at me, I noticed something I'd never seen before. The eyes I stared so intently into reflected a look back at me I'd only seen in others… the look of longing and of a dreamer. A smile crept across my lips just then, and I realized that what Duo and Relena wish for isn't as childish as it would seem, nor impossible… in truth, it is more likely… and even beautiful, than anything else. It is what even I want… compassion, love, someone who understands… emotion. My own definition of normal. Maybe normal has always been something that was up to personal interpretation. We've hoped for it all along… and maybe someday we'll find it. If only I could be like that… I truly would give anything…"  
  
If I could be like that  
I would give anything  
Just to live one day  
In those shoes  
If I could be like that, what would I do?  
What would I do?  
  
I waked back to the couch, falling onto it… thinking only of what I would do if I ever got what I so wanted as I drifted off to sleep. Conscious dreaming, I suppose… Falling asleep, I realize… it's just like those dreams of actually falling… where all our fears and hopes rush at you in one instant, but in slow motion. Contradiction… I'm quite aware of that… but I suppose nothing makes perfect sense. Even the 'Perfect Soldier' is flawed by emotion. It's only not that I can see that also what Duo meant by "at least we have our dreams to escape to."  
  
Falling in  
I feel I am falling into this again  
  
Dreaming does not make you an idealist, but rather very much so a realist… And maybe someday we will all be able to understand what normal really means. 


End file.
